Today I received the distressing news that Helmet has been taken unwell in Amsterdam. One of his men went to collect his empty plates from the vestibule of the Kleine Rumesflat and saw that Helmut had not eaten his Wednesday Muesli packages.

He has written a note to say that the release of the 70's Porn Collection on iTunes has made him too sick to eat. He, like I, knows that Klaus Harmony composed beautiful, sensitive, multi layered musics for clever, sophisticated European Erotik Expressionist art cinema. It is simply not porn music and it never will be. How could anyone think a piece such as EJACULAKTOR or REAR VIEW LOVER could be smutty? So we must tell the publics. I have spoken to Godfrey Gilliam (Klaus's biographer) and he is saying the best way is a radio interview in London to try and set the record straight.

On a different side of things all together, Mandy II is settling into her position very well. She arrives every day at 8.30 and together we work out my eating and sleeping arrangements according to the formulas created by Mandy I. Today, we know, that I am likely to eat kippers for a light lunch. And if it is likely, why should it not be so? Simple.

I did pop out of my tent into the house to gather some spoons from the kitchen. I decided to use the lavatory and went upstairs to find a sickening sight.

Pupu was standing hallway up a stepladder as Bogdan the maintenance man (and not my favourite man) was fixing a light fitting. But why the naked? It was not hot. But my head did get hot. I told him in no unlikely terms that to be in my house (for it is still my house) fixing a light, naked, with my wife, also naked, was a bad, bad, bad and nasty thing. I asked him to leave and stood with my arms folded as he put his pants on giggling.

Well! Pupu was hysterical and told me there and again to get out. I suggested that perhaps SHE would like to sleep in the tent as it was HER who was being nude to Bogdan.

That shut her up.

Then I did eat my kippers. In the kitchen. Ha!

Peace,

Jan Sink

It turns out I have been so much the fool. Of course I should have known and Pupu has made this so. Bogdan and his men have played terrible games with me and used my trusting natures for their funny gains. I can not forgive and I can not forget. So I have asked them to leave. They told me I should pay them immediately and I told the to 'spin on this!'

But they became very persistent so I did, I admit it, pay them. Even more than they first said because Bogdan forgot to mention the special Essex tax which I hadn't heard of.

So now I have in my garden a three sided hut with no roof and a tent and all in nearly November. I did cry for a while. But Pupu did not see me. I will not let her see my pains.

So. After my humiliation I must buckled down and find a new Mandy. I have put an advertisement in the Woodford Gazette:

"Professional gentle man seeks brilliant young girl for experiments. Own Doctor's coat and clipboard preferable. Must be prepared to answer to 'Mandy'. Ink refills and stationery suppled (within reason)."

So. I have had a replies (mainly old women from Chigwell). And one from Vicki in Highams Park. She is not the best ticket in the looks region, but she does have her father's coat from his hardware shop (not white as much as beige) and a good supply of pens from her time in Rymans (who were very generous to give her a whole consignment). She will work with me all the hours and is wholeheartedly committed to my eating and sleeping experiments. Indeed she suggested that it was perhaps possible that she match my eating and I was so immersed that I heartily agreed to build this into her expenses.

She will even try sleeping during her shifts too!

There is hope.

Peace,

Jan SInk

I am feeling better perhaps today. Pupu did go to the gym for most of the day and so I was able to go on my business easily. I must decide if this new Polytron Records porn compilation is good for the memory of Klaus. It may make money for the second swim pool of Suzanne Watkins-Robb who still phones me up twice each day. I am lucky she is the only widow wife of Klaus to do so or I would be living in tent for always!

As it happens Bogdan and his men are working very hard. They do though look at me while grinning and whispering. I greeted them today with a joke and they laughed very much. I did not realize the joke was so funny! When I told them I had invested £15,000 at William Hill they laughed again and winked a lot and I was inclined to think how nice they are to be so happy for me.

One strange thing occurred, although, and I gave a call to Candi about my food experiment (the girl they mentioned) and she was insisting I must pay her to begin with, up front from cash in my car. Also she asked if, along with a clipboard and white coat, I would like her to have a whip. Of course, at the beginning I thought she meant an ice-cream in her break. But no - she actually meant a whip! A nice girl but far too eccentric for my requirements.

So the search goes along.

Peace,

Jan Sink

It is over. Pupu has told me I must go and I am devastated. But we have agreed that  instead of me moving to a flat or so forth, I may have a hut of sorts in the garden. She has asked Bogdan the maintenance man to build this for me and I will be to oversee and supervise. Of course it will have to have a small annexe for Helmut if he comes to England.

Pupu said I was a sad excuse of a man living in the shadow of porn music. I cried for almost three hours when she said this but now I am more resolved to carry on. I made my vow to Klaus and I will be keeping it.

So now, of all the crazy humiliations, Bogdan the maintenance man is building my new home. He has a team of men called Roy, Roy, Malcolm and Ted. They are very good men. They have given me very good tips about new girls for my food experiment. They gave me a phone number for a girl in Buckhurst Hill called Candi who will do ANYTHING!

They have also given me great introductions to a financial planners  in Woodford Green called William Hill. I went along with the £15,000 from Helmut's savings and they took it from me most enthusiastically. I didn't even need to fill out much forms. So to Les and his team - thank you!



I must away now. I am sleeping in the tent until Bogdan and Roy, Roy, Malcolm and Ted finish the hut.

Peace,

Jan Sink

So, it's happened again! Polytron Records (I am going to be doing my research about them) have released an album called The 70's Porn Collection consisted utmostly of Klaus Harmony music. How many times do we have to say? Klaus did not write porn music… he was an Erotik Expressionist!!

Worst again, they plan to release The 80's Porn Collection.

Is James Last involved? Should I be worried?

Peace,

Jan Sink

Time is the most greatest healer of all as they say, and I should say I always believed in this. But the legacy of the night of the hot tub (good film title!) has set me a bit straight on this.

First, Pupu is uptight and will not speak (apart from to Bogdan the maintenance man). It is bad enough that I must bear the strangeness of Helmut in this way but Pupu also? She wears her Gucci sunglasses all day (and all night) and always her pistachio cat suit which she knows I hate.

On the other side of things, Mandy has told me she cannot work here again. This is a proper blow as my constitution will freewheel without her. She has offered to me that I could come to her mother's home in Loughton for observations but this would mean being there all day and her mother (a dreadful person) thinks this strange. So much for the 21st century!

So I face a crossroad. I am finding myself in a position of needing Bogdan the maintenance man to communicate with Pupu, and I must find another girl for the eating experiment. I have already tried the employing agency in Wanstead but the women there seemed to be laughing so much that even one had cake pieces coming out of her nose. So rude.

My life has lost its sheen.

Peace,

Jan Sink