Today I received the distressing news that Helmet has been taken unwell in Amsterdam. One of his men went to collect his empty plates from the vestibule of the Kleine Rumesflat and saw that Helmut had not eaten his Wednesday Muesli packages.
He has written a note to say that the release of the 70's Porn Collection on iTunes
has made him too sick to eat. He, like I, knows that Klaus Harmony composed beautiful, sensitive, multi layered musics for clever, sophisticated European Erotik Expressionist art cinema. It is simply not porn music and it never will be. How could anyone think a piece such as EJACULAKTOR or REAR VIEW LOVER could be smutty? So we must tell the publics. I have spoken to Godfrey Gilliam (Klaus's biographer) and he is saying the best way is a radio interview in London to try and set the record straight.
On a different side of things all together, Mandy II is settling into her position very well. She arrives every day at 8.30 and together we work out my eating and sleeping arrangements according to the formulas created by Mandy I. Today, we know, that I am likely to eat kippers for a light lunch. And if it is likely, why should it not be so? Simple.
I did pop out of my tent into the house to gather some spoons from the kitchen. I decided to use the lavatory and went upstairs to find a sickening sight.
Pupu was standing hallway up a stepladder as Bogdan the maintenance man (and not my favourite man) was fixing a light fitting. But why the naked? It was not hot. But my head did get hot. I told him in no unlikely terms that to be in my house (for it is still my house) fixing a light, naked, with my wife, also naked, was a bad, bad, bad and nasty thing. I asked him to leave and stood with my arms folded as he put his pants on giggling.
Well! Pupu was hysterical and told me there and again to get out. I suggested that perhaps SHE would like to sleep in the tent as it was HER who was being nude to Bogdan.
That shut her up.
Then I did eat my kippers. In the kitchen. Ha!
It turns out I have been so much the fool. Of course I should have known and Pupu has made this so. Bogdan and his men have played terrible games with me and used my trusting natures for their funny gains. I can not forgive and I can not forget. So I have asked them to leave. They told me I should pay them immediately and I told the to 'spin on this!'
But they became very persistent so I did, I admit it, pay them. Even more than they first said because Bogdan forgot to mention the special Essex tax which I hadn't heard of.
So now I have in my garden a three sided hut with no roof and a tent and all in nearly November. I did cry for a while. But Pupu did not see me. I will not let her see my pains.
So. After my humiliation I must buckled down and find a new Mandy. I have put an advertisement in the Woodford Gazette:
"Professional gentle man seeks brilliant young girl for experiments. Own Doctor's coat and clipboard preferable. Must be prepared to answer to 'Mandy'. Ink refills and stationery suppled (within reason)."
So. I have had a replies (mainly old women from Chigwell). And one from Vicki in Highams Park. She is not the best ticket in the looks region, but she does have her father's coat from his hardware shop (not white as much as beige) and a good supply of pens from her time in Rymans (who were very generous to give her a whole consignment). She will work with me all the hours and is wholeheartedly committed to my eating and sleeping experiments. Indeed she suggested that it was perhaps possible that she match my eating and I was so immersed that I heartily agreed to build this into her expenses.
She will even try sleeping during her shifts too!
There is hope.
I am feeling better perhaps today. Pupu did go to the gym for most of the day and so I was able to go on my business easily. I must decide if this new Polytron Records porn compilation is good for the memory of Klaus. It may make money for the second swim pool of Suzanne Watkins-Robb who still phones me up twice each day. I am lucky she is the only widow wife of Klaus to do so or I would be living in tent for always!
As it happens Bogdan and his men are working very hard. They do though look at me while grinning and whispering. I greeted them today with a joke and they laughed very much. I did not realize the joke was so funny! When I told them I had invested £15,000 at William Hill they laughed again and winked a lot and I was inclined to think how nice they are to be so happy for me.
One strange thing occurred, although, and I gave a call to Candi about my food experiment (the girl they mentioned) and she was insisting I must pay her to begin with, up front from cash in my car. Also she asked if, along with a clipboard and white coat, I would like her to have a whip. Of course, at the beginning I thought she meant an ice-cream in her break. But no - she actually meant a whip! A nice girl but far too eccentric for my requirements.
So the search goes along.
It is over. Pupu has told me I must go and I am devastated. But we have agreed that instead of me moving to a flat or so forth, I may have a hut of sorts in the garden. She has asked Bogdan the maintenance man to build this for me and I will be to oversee and supervise. Of course it will have to have a small annexe for Helmut if he comes to England.
Pupu said I was a sad excuse of a man living in the shadow of porn music. I cried for almost three hours when she said this but now I am more resolved to carry on. I made my vow to Klaus and I will be keeping it.
So now, of all the crazy humiliations, Bogdan the maintenance man is building my new home. He has a team of men called Roy, Roy, Malcolm and Ted. They are very good men. They have given me very good tips about new girls for my food experiment. They gave me a phone number for a girl in Buckhurst Hill called Candi who will do ANYTHING!
They have also given me great introductions to a financial planners in Woodford Green called William Hill. I went along with the £15,000 from Helmut's savings and they took it from me most enthusiastically. I didn't even need to fill out much forms. So to Les and his team - thank you!
I must away now. I am sleeping in the tent until Bogdan and Roy, Roy, Malcolm and Ted finish the hut.
So, it's happened again! Polytron Records
(I am going to be doing my research about them) have released an album called The 70's Porn Collection consisted utmostly of Klaus Harmony music. How many times do we have to say? Klaus did not write porn music… he was an Erotik Expressionist!!
Worst again, they plan to release The 80's Porn Collection.
Is James Last involved? Should I be worried?
Time is the most greatest healer of all as they say, and I should say I always believed in this. But the legacy of the night of the hot tub (good film title!) has set me a bit straight on this.
First, Pupu is uptight and will not speak (apart from to Bogdan the maintenance man). It is bad enough that I must bear the strangeness of Helmut in this way but Pupu also? She wears her Gucci sunglasses all day (and all night) and always her pistachio cat suit which she knows I hate.
On the other side of things, Mandy has told me she cannot work here again. This is a proper blow as my constitution will freewheel without her. She has offered to me that I could come to her mother's home in Loughton for observations but this would mean being there all day and her mother (a dreadful person) thinks this strange. So much for the 21st century!
So I face a crossroad. I am finding myself in a position of needing Bogdan the maintenance man to communicate with Pupu, and I must find another girl for the eating experiment. I have already tried the employing agency in Wanstead but the women there seemed to be laughing so much that even one had cake pieces coming out of her nose. So rude.
My life has lost its sheen.
It has come to pass. All which I have been fearing in recent times is now here and my life is untolerable.
My trip to Amsterdam took me away for a longer time than I had anticipated (Helmut is most uncooperative at present and seems to believe he must have what he wants at all times, including these silly driving dispensations) and I arrived in South Woodford late last night to the most terrible scene of destruction and devastation.
As William drove me up Broadwalk, three police cars and one ambulance awaited us in the driveway. In the first instance the police officer would not let me pass but I explained who I was and he thought it best to go away and return with his superior. I could see Mandy in the ambulance being attended to by ambulance men (who were very admirable and brave) while Pupu sat in the back of a police car, wailing. The senior officer - Detective Constable Cheney - suggested that we go to the police station in Ilford.
He informed me then that Pupu was under arrest and she should be getting a lawyer for her defences. I asked her what on God's earth had been going on and she would not tell me. Mr Cheney was very helpful despite this and explained from his point of view what it was that had happened.
At about ten O'clock our neighbour, Mrs Justin-English, called the emergency police to tell them there had been an explosion in our garden. She was worried at first that our generator for Pupu's hot tub had gone wrong but then she heard shouting and screaming. When the police got there, said Mr Cheney, they had to break into the house and found a fire in the back garden where Pupu, he says, was yelling at Mandy who was hiding in the hot tub and trying to extinguish a flame on her terrier, Mitzi. Well it would seem that Pupu had flown into a rage after a lot of Pimms and accused Mandy of trying to turn me against her.
Then she got a deodorant canister and, with a match, attacked the dog. Unfortunately Mandy had been reading a Hello magazine on the lounger and had a patio heater on which was using the gas. Well there then was an explosion when Pupu got too near the heater with the Impulse spray. Mandy had no choice but to jump in the jacuzzi to douse the dog and escape the flames.
Pupu who was ranting, ran to the shed to get a sledgehammer and smashed a hole in the hot tub to empty and drag Mandy out but all the water washed her away into the swimming pool and, of course, Pupu is not a good swimmer. So Mrs Justin-English (who I should mention is 81) climbed over the fence and jumped into the pool to save Pupu who was by now almost hysterical. Pupu grabbed onto Mrs JE and almost drowned her.
So the police called an ambulance and that is where I arrived with William.
I am at my last tether and can't think where I will begin with trying to solve this. I suggested that Pupu and Mandy should try to patch things up like the adults but Pupu began to wail and I could not really tell what she was saying. Mr Cheney sent me away and thought it best that Pupu take a sleep in the cells. Mandy has gone back to her mother in Loughton and now I cannot say for sure when I should eat.
Well I will not generally want to complain but I am really quite sick of this new tension between Mandy and Pupu. It puts me in mind of when Klaus was early in his music career and groupies were fighting over him.
Mandy is always at her best for me and making very good progress with the food experiment. Next I wish to use her valuable assistance for a sleep experiment which would mean her joining Pupu and me in our rooms at night. I think this is a small sacrifice when one considers the great benefits but Pupu is very mealy mouthed (if that's the right words) about this. All I did was mention a further experiment to help determine when I should visit the bathroom and she went absolutely crazy on me. She believes Mandy is after my money (what I have left of it) and when I suggested (maybe it was cruel) that it could be Mandy wanted my body, Pupu let out such a laugh that she did leave a snot on her top lip. This made her even more angry and she did then lock herself in the sauna until midnight.
Well, with all this, Mandy is a little scared of coming into work but I must advise her that she should keep the faith (maintaining the funk at always) and stay focused on this task. She has reams of paperwork to do about when I was hungry this week.
And on top of this I am scheduled to fly to Amsterdam this weeks to visit Helmut who I am told mut be 'calmed down'. Since his little adventure in driving at Stanstead when he visited, he has become obsessed with the driving and now wishes to learn in the Netherlands. He is still insistant that there must be tin foil obscuring the windows and a CCTV device fitted for him to watch the road ahead but I fear that, even for the son of Klaus Harmony, the authorities will not permit this. I suggested this to him and now he will not leave his Kleine Ruimteflat and loud whinging has been heard from within. My god, must I never have an easy time of it?! Even as I write this I am expecting a call from Suzanne Watkins-Robb demanding Klaus Harmony royalties for her second swimming pool.
I want a spliff.
It is far past silly. Dennis Waterman has left a message with Mandy to say he is out of the country until December 2011 and I know he isn't because I have been watching his house.
Worse still. The lawyer of James Bolam has sent me a letter by courier expressly stating that I should take back any claim that James was a friend of Klaus. Well James Bolam WASN'T a friend of Klaus. In the 1970's when James Bolam was a sort of star he did sometimes arrive at Klaus's house wanting to hang out but Klaus did not know who he was. I did explain that Mr Bolam was the star of great dramas like 'Fishy on a Dishy' and 'The Lovely Lads' and 'Only I am Laughing', but Klaus did not care for his strange hair. Also he was a particular fan of Mr Bewes.
So I have decided, much against the advice of Pupu (who is secretly pleased) to take legal action.
So I walked down to Warnes, Killick & Bernst at South Woodford and made my feelings quite clear. And do you know what Mr Killick said? He said, "does it matter?".
Does it? Does it? Does it?
Well. He suggested to me very strongly that I should let sleeping dogs get on with my life. But he does not know. I am vested with the responsibility of Klaus's reputation. This means care and affection and James Bolam is treading a very sticky thread.
I think I may see Rodney Bewes for lunch.
I am in trouble again and Pupu is so cross. She is a big fan of 'Waking Up The Dead' with Trevor Eve so she is not happy that it turns out I have upset him.
I have today received an email from Mr Eve's lawyer who tells me that I must set things straight, that Trevor never knew Klaus (he did, actually), that Trevor has never sung in a funky style (he did, of course), and that Trevor does not approve of porn (nor did Klaus, obviously - he was an erotik expressionist).
It always hurts me when I am to deal with those who deny Klaus. At least Dennis Waterman is loyal and has always spoken fondly of their friendship. I think I will call him and invite him and James Bolam out to tea.